Warning! This is not a baby announcement post. Cos it's late, innit.

Yep, I shall get my (non) laughing gear around this piece of tropical perfection ce soir, to entice out Baby Carol/Noel/Jesus/Holly etc etc.

And before you ask, no I haven't had the baby (does it look like I have?), yes I know I'm massive (thanking you muchly), no I have no idea when he/she will make an appearance (who am I? Derren Freakin' Brown?), no I am not dreading the birth at all (a total lie...) and so on.

Honestly, the school run is taking double the time as the world and his wife interrogate me. A couple of mums are merely looking at me now with a pained expression and walking away.

One mum actually studied my bump on Monday and said: "So you haven't had the baby yet then, have you?"

I was wearing this dress, hardly hides the curves of my belly does it?! Maybe its my hormones but I am beginning to purse my lips at completely stupid questions like that.

Sugar Plump Fairy

RAAAAAH! I feel better for that. Sorry.

I also keep getting felt up by a woman who works in Tesco Express. She keeps leaning over the counter when serving me, and gropes my bump, sighing and declaring: "It will come soon."

But she's been saying this for weeks and there is still no sign, yet I am a week overdue today and getting twitchy about the whole Christmas shindig.

While she fondles my bump lovingly, you could almost forget that there is an entire queue of people behind me, with urgent purchases and tight deadlines. Because this member of staff is simply lost in Babyville. Lost, I tell thee.

Then it gets rather awkward and I turn and face the customers behind me, mouth a "sorry" at them and do my best to prise her off me. Twice a week at least this happens.

I'm all for people touching my bump, I find it fascinating so can understand others wanting to cop a feel. Unless you are Robin Thicke, then I'd find it rather distasteful.

I guess the Tesco lady's reaction to me is far better than her colleague's.

He served me on Monday and greeted me with "Hello dear, where's your moustache?"....

(how would anyone else react to that?)

Admittedly his first language isn't English but it still threw me to the point where I was rendered speechless, finally muttering "I don't know..." before running back to the car to check my face.

What else rhymes with "moustache"....can't think what else he could have been asking me.

Anyway moving swiftly on, I recently came across this shop. Bet there are LOADS of treasures in there, shame it's not a charity shop. How I wish normal sized clothes fitted me.

I have found time for  a couple of cherry tree purchases actually.

This larger cake stand (Scope £1.50) makes me so happy as I now have a family of three!

This little glass jelly mould addition also makes my little family complete.

Mmmmm the smell of my Festive Cheer candle is lush!

So here's hoping that my pineapple will soon make my little family complete.

Derek Trotter, eat your heart out.

Hope to be back with baby news soon!